Finding Purpose: Feel the Fear and Do it Anyways

I have been alive for over 44 years but I believe that my life truly began when I found my life’s purpose. Unfortunately it came from a devastating loss after my mom was diagnosed with ALS and succumbed to her illness in 2010.

The day of her diagnosis was the turning point in my life, but it took me a while to realize it. I had to face a lot of darkness and fears and keep moving forward to find the light that is now filling my life.

It wasn’t that I had a fearless heart, but I realized that life can bring great pain and loss and that I had a choice; to let it engulf me, or feel it and keep going. I decided to focus on what little light that I still had shining inside me and turn the pain into a purpose.

The little light inside was my purpose beginning to shine. 

Her death brought me face to face with my life. I realized that life was too short to be miserable. Life was too short to feel stuck. I realized that I didn’t want to wait until my kids were older to create a life that had meaning to me and connection to others. I made the decision to take personal responsibility for my life, and to motivate and inspire others to do the same.

I did not have a fearless heart. I was brave because I felt so much fear, and I did it anyways. 

When I began this journey I had no idea it would bring me where I am today. Becoming a teacher has given me the opportunity to live out my life’s purpose. I don’t know where I will be in 5 years, but I know that I am exactly where I want to be. 

The journey hasn’t been easy,. But it has been worth it.

My purpose as a teacher can be summed up with three words:

Kindness.

Belonging.

Responsibility. 

I want to build a culture of kindness with my students. I want my students to feel belonging and connection in my classroom. I want them to know that they matter and that they are loved. I want to create a community of kindness and belonging, but also one of personal responsibility. I want to teach my students how they can bring meaning and purpose to their own lives and  unleash the person they were born to be. 

This is my purpose. The little light that ignited 10 years ago has led me here. I know it won’t always be easy but it is that purpose that will guide me on the days when I need to find the light inside.

I hope that you find your purpose. You don’t have to have a fearless heart. You just need to feel the fear and do it anyways. 

You are worth it. 



Why I Quit CrossFit: It's Not You, It's Me

Why I needed to leave you.  

Dear CrossFit, 

It has been 6 months since the Master's Qualifier, and I still haven't recovered. My knees are messed up. I can't squat, I can't go up or down stairs without pain. Some days I can barely walk. My right shoulder is messed up as well as my right elbow, and my right hip. I would say that 80% of the time, my body hurts. Not just when I exercise. All the time. 

I have focused on recovery, and still things are bad. So bad. The process of recovery is so slow. It feels like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. I don't even care if I become "competitive" again. I don't care if I RX the workout, or beat Liz (I am always after you Liz).

I just want to STOP BEING IN PAIN.

But I don't blame you Crossfit.
 

CrossFit, it's not you, it's me. 

It started as a friendship, but it soon became an obsession. I was good at it, and I saw the progress on the white board. I loved the people, the competitive environment, and all the exercising. It became a part of who I was.

My identity: I am a CrossFitter. 

And that is when the trouble started.

I wanted it too badly. My successes and failures in CrossFit became who I was as a person. I spent all my time, my money and my energy trying to be THE BEST, and telling myself it was worth it. Looking back now, it feels like a bit of a false refuge (O.K., more than a bit).

I was overcompensating for something that was lacking in my life. I loved the success and glory of being such a badass. My strength, my body, my results, all were an overcompensation for something. A feeling of filling a void, a lack and a desperate need to prove myself... to the world? Nope.  

Truth is, I was overcompensating for a lack of self-love. I wanted to prove to myself that I was worth something. 

CrossFit was the one thing I felt I was good at, and could be successful at. It was masking the fact that there were other parts of my life that I was struggling with, and feeling like a failure. So I overcompensated with CrossFit.

It wasn't about strength, or fitness or health. It was about my ego, my self-esteem and my self worth. 

But it was never enough.

I remember celebrating after I got my first muscle up. The joy lasted a minute until I said to myself "Now I need to get two in a row."

The wanting more never ended. 

The truth is, if you are doing it for the wrong reasons, it will never be good enough. You will never be fit enough, strong enough, fast enough. You will be left ALWAYS WANTING MORE, which isn't so bad when those results are not tied to your self-worth. 

But if they are, like they were for me, it ends up being a never ending slippery slope.

And I can almost guarantee, that you will not see it, other than in hindsight, usually nursing yourself back from an injury, that probably could have been prevented had you listened to your body. 

Even if you aren't a "competitive" CrossFitter, and even when your results are not directly attached to your own self worth, Crossfit can be a slippery slope to injury if you get caught up in the competitive part of it. Even just a moment when you stop listening to your body, and  push "through the pain".

When you push harder than your body is capable of, and get caught up in the moment, you are on the slippery slope to pain, injury and regret.

Which is exactly the opposite as what you are trying to accomplish; to be stronger, faster, fitter, and more able to live your life fully. Isn't it?



I don't want to speak for anyone else but myself. I know, that until I can check my ego at the door, and love my body enough to listen to it when it is asking me, begging me to stop, I cannot be in the CrossFit environment. 

So where do we go from here? 

Is it goodbye and good riddance? Or can I heal and come back with a different outlook, and learn to listen to my body in a competitive environment? 

My hope is the latter, but only time will tell. 

Until then, know that I love you, I miss you and I hope that I can change my ways. I need to learn how to love my body as she is, listen to her when she is asking for a rest, and learn that my worth is not tied to my the way body looks, how much I lift, or whether or not I beat X (insert person's name i.e. Liz). 

It's not you, it's me.

And for the record, because of you I am stronger than I ever was before.


Despite the injuries, and the false refuge that I found in you. You really helped me find the best part of me. And more importantly, you made me aware of that fact that I need to love myself and that you, CrossFit, won't bring me that love. 

I need to find it within myself. 

With love and gratitude, 
Mia

Mia Kakebeeke
A Better Why

“Attention is the most basic form of love. By paying attention we let ourselves be touched by life, and our hearts naturally become more open and engaged.” - Tara Brach

For most of my life I have been wanting more. I have been wanting to be better, sometimes different, always striving for more. As I come to the end of my 42nd year of life, I feel such clarity. Probably because I have been actively trying to pay more attention to my thoughts and my actions and it has lead me to understand myself a lot better. 

 I have come to notice that I have spent most my life repeating the same patterns, with a common theme. A theme of always wanting more for myself and my life with the line “not good enough” on repeat in my head.

I can be better.
I can do better.
Not good enough.
Never good enough. 

The theme of not good enough threatens my goals and dreams more than any other obstacle in my path. In fact, I would say that it is the only obstacle in my path, other than time, which I have no control over.

The clarity that I have found over the last little while has come from enduring a lot of pain. The good kind of pain mostly, which I am grateful for. Not bad pain. 

Bad pain is the pain of losing someone you love. Wounding pain. That is pain that doesn’t go away easily.  I’ve felt that pain too. It’s tough to go through, and it teaches you lessons of its own. But that isn’t the pain I am talking about here.

Good pain is the discomfort you feel when choosing to do something you know you must do, even though it is hard or scary, and you do it no matter what. It is usually the pain that stretches you to almost to the brink of your abilities. It is the pain that you know you must endure to learn, grow, and evolve. It is the pain when you make a decision to turn a should into a must do no matter what the circumstances

Three months ago I did two things: I started school and I quit drinking alcohol. These two choices left me with that pain. Growth pain? Perhaps. I would have to say it is more like “pain that leads to forced attention to your inner self and stretches you in ways you didn’t think you could”. 

The other day I was at the precipice of this pain. Stretched at the end of my limits, like an elastic band ready to recoil back, I was just trying to survive. Then, just when I thought I couldn’t take any more, my cat decided to poop in my front closet AND my laundry basket. As I was cleaning up the poop I thought to myself, “Wow Self! You always have a little more left in your tank.” No, I wasn’t shot, or diagnosed with an illness but in that moment I didn’t think I could handle anything else. But I could, and I did. And it made me realize that life will bring me pain again and again, and I will overcome it every time. 

The truth is, my new life choices of sobriety and a busy school schedule (+ 3 kids, 2 dogs and 2 cats) has caused me to make some bad choices that were not aligned with my goals: Eating a lot of sugar and doing a lot of online shopping. I switched from one self-soothing addiction (drinking) to another (sugar) and another (shopping) because I was trying to suppress my thoughts and feelings of overwhelm in this crazy time in my life. 

Neither of those choices were any better than having a beer. They all had the same purpose. To numb the pain. The pain of my busy schedule, the pain of feeling like I have to sacrifice my family time to start my career at the age of 42. The pain of thinking I might have to let go of some goals, in order reach others. The pain of struggling with my partner to find a new balance so we both can take care of ourselves, each other and the kids. All of that lead to what felt like a desperate need for self-soothing. And I’m not going to lie, in the moment, the chocolate taste so good. And my new Ugg boots are awesome.

But the problem is this: You cannot get enough of the things you don’t need. It will never be enough until I find the reason for the numbness and the need for my self-soothing addictions. This leads me to my main point.

I needed a better WHY. A better why that brings attention to my addictions and changes my behaviours to align with my goals and dreams. A better why that allows me to have my last “day one”, my last “reset” and my final return back on the wagon (or getting off the wagon). There is no WAGON.

By making the choice not to drink I brought attention to the real problem, which was not about drinking at all. Does that mean I will start drinking again? No. What it means it that I have realized that it is the thoughts that lead to the behaviours that need my attention.

Why do constantly feel the need to numb myself? 

My better why is all about learning to pay attention and feel the feelings, accept the thoughts for what they are. Thoughts. This is the only way I can become the best version of myself, which has always been the ultimate goal. It is about learning to listen to my thoughts and feelings rather than numbing them. Because, just like Oprah, I know one thing for sure: I am the only person who can call myself on my own internal bullshit when I think it, or feel it. I know when my choices don’t align with my values and my goals. I know when I am full of shit trying to numb a pain that I know won’t go away until I deal with it. 

My better why is not saying I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN… or never eat my weight in McDonald’s Big Macs. It is about pausing, and saying to myself: Not right now, not today, and surrounding myself with people who are going to make me accountable. Accountable so I make choices that align with my values and my goals so I can live my life with the most presence and energy I possibly can. Right now. 

I can only be me, right now. Future me is all about my choices right now. So for today, I will do my best to turn off my emotional auto-pilot. And when the pain comes, I will listen to those feelings and show up, remember my why and take a small deliberate step in the right direction.

Victor Frankl said it best: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space, is our power to choose our response. In our response, lies our growth and our freedom.” 

And that is what my better why is all about: FREEDOM. The freedom to live my life in line with my core values in order to reach my goals and dreams. Or at least not numb myself along the way.  

Mia Kakebeeke