I have been M.I.A. Missing in Action.
Although, I could better describe it as Missing in Inaction.
I spent the most of my last few years in a bubble, training 5x week, 2-3.5 hours at a time. Learning how to "push through the pain" and "go to the dark side" and teaching others how to motivate and grow to become the strongest version of themselves and to live "their best life".
I believed I was mastering my health, my life and my habits and helping others to do the same. I was THERE. I was UNSTOPPABLE just like my shirts say.
The pregnancy was planned and didn't "stick" until I had decided that it might not happen at all. But it did, and everything changed.
At first I thought I could maintain my life as a competitive Crossfit athlete and mindset coach; the training, the eating, the crazy schedule and my unstoppable mindset. But I soon found out that THAT wasn't happening.
I went from eating all meat and vegetables to ONLY being able to eat bread and cheese. No "mindset" could change the fact that meat and vegetables would literally make me barf.
The thought of going to the gym and training also made me nauseous, and also scared that I would push too hard and loose the baby. I didn't want to chance it. This was my last go at pregnancy at the yummy ripe age of 41.
All I wanted to do is sleep, eat bread and my mindset was one of making it through each day.
I went from two a day training to two a day naps. I lost the will to do anything remotely physical. After the first trimester I thought that would change... It didn't.
I was back to where I began. Unmotivated to eat well, train or even get out of bed. I was a shell of the person that I thought I was and I HATED MYSELF FOR IT.
But every day I tried to get better. To be better... To let go of my ego and to love myself unconditionally of what I ate, how much I exercised or how my body looked.
LETTING GO OF EGO
I quickly realized that my self-worth was all wrapped up in my achievements as an athlete and a coach. External factors, that when taken away, made me feel worthless and small. I was no longer the superhero and the baby was my kryptonite.
I had expected to keep going as I was before, maybe with a little less gusto... But instead I was bucked off the high horse so fast I didn't even see it coming.
Life doesn't work that way and when the going gets tough I know to ask the right question:
WHAT AM I LEARNING FROM THIS?
What I've learned is that I am O.K. just being me. Mia, the parent, the friend, the coach, the trainer. I didn't have to be a superhero, to be perfect in all my habits and infallable in my mind to be worthy of love, especially love from the most important person that I need to get it from... MYSELF.
The Ego is a powerful thing and can lead you into such a bubble that you are blinded by your own mind. In the end, you have to know that if it all goes away, you are still worthy, loveable and loved. Your accomplishments are not YOU.
SO WHAT NOW?
I'm picking up the pieces. I feel so much closer to the person I was trying to help. The original me who started this journey in the first place. I feel so grateful for this growing baby inside me and would give it up again and again.
I am looking for new ways to learn.
I am looking for new ways to teach.
I am looking for new ways to break out of my comfort zone.
I don't know if I will ever go back to competitive Crossfit. Only time will tell... But I know that I feel better just having fun in the gym again, eating what I want, when I want and not comparing myself to others.
My goal now is to grow my confidence without my accomplishments. Start new and start fresh and use my new perspective to help others get out of their holes. To improve every day, learn every day and create something that adds value to others lives.
I love you all for reading this far. I will leave you with two quotes by Pope Francis that really hit me hard on this new journey:
"No one can grow if he does not accept his smallness."
"If we start without confidence, already we have lost half the battle and we bury our talents."
Learn from my life, my mistakes, my journey. Life is a gift. Don't let your ego get in the way of fully experiencing it and appreciating it. Leave yourself open to whatever comes up. There are some things you can't control, you can't change...
"Success isn't final, failure isn't fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts." -WINSTON CHURCHILL